Are you like me, getting on in life and thinking is it time to forgive, is it to late to forgive, what will it do for my Soul if I finally make that decision to forgive. Is what happened still fresh in your mind or is it long ago but that bad there is no way you can forgive
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, giving in to a thought that has been with you since we’re a boy. Was it a family member or a friend, how many times can you or should you forgive. Will it make any difference to your life or your mind if you forgive. Will a burden that has haunted you for so long be lifted.
I can’t answer that but I often find my self waking up and asking the same question did what happened all those years ago really make me so bitter and twisted that they is no way I am forgiving that person, it lies so deep in the heart you can’t ever imagine forgiveness entering your mind.
How many different beds have I shed a tear on over the years, kneeling head held in my hands asking for forgiveness for the wrongs I have done the people I have hurt, on purpose and sometimes through now fault of my own. Did he listen to me as I asked again and again, forgive me I promise I won’t do it again.
I think now as I get wiser does the person I am trying to forgive, kneel at night by his or her bed and ask for him to be forgiven for the horrible things they did to someone maybe the person writing this Blog.
The good old phrase Forgive and Forget, heard so many times by me as I ask what do I do. The few people that know me will understand why I write this so let explain.
There were 2 boys one called Brian and one called Ron they never saw eye to eye when they were younger. Brian left home before Ron and made a very good life for himself, a lovely family house, money, latest car, but Ron joined the army. As they grew more apart Ron wrote to his brother and asked could he see him.
Ron turned up and met Brian’s family they had had 2 children that he fell in love with. Over time Ron visited everytime he was on leave. Ron got married and Brian was his Best man. The family’s would then get to together every Christmas for 15 or so years Ron filming everyone New Year was a must all together singing and dancing. The footage now is collecting Dust in a box that hasn’t been opened for 12 years.
Ron left the Army with lots of money and a new built house. The first Xmas was the best they had with Brian’s Family. The dream was to move close to his brother and carry on where they left left off. But 6 months after Xmas Ron retired on 31 July 2000.
Ron planned a great Barbie and asked his brother the manager of of Butchers for a big tray of meat. But what people didn’t know was Ron with the House Retired at 42 £40,000 in the bank, sat in silence as his once world for 22 years was no more. Proud of all his achievements his Outstanding Record, his 2 Medals, and his Red Beret were just memories of a past now gone.
He wasn’t told about adapting to an environment he left all those years ago, the changes that happened as the world moved quickly forward waiting for no one. No guidance fro the MOD who promised the earth to a Soldier who joined in good faith and did his duty for 22 years. You were just a number Ron.
Not one phone call or letter asking how he is doing. He new one thing that the army had taught well and that was to have a good Drink. So Ron found a lot of comfort in Drinking his Brandy and listening to his £3000 latest BOSE music system.
His Family always came first and he was a fantastic husband and father, but he thought he could adapt to the life as the Army taught him adapt to the Situation. What happened next is what you read about and hear about. The silly thing that caused a big fallout.
The Barbie was planned he asked Brian for the meat. On Friday for the Barbie on Sunday. Ron drank Brandy on Friday night. Forgetting that he said he would pick the meat up for the Barbie Sat afternoon. The phone rang words exchanged, you let me down you didn’t pick the meat up. I think it’s best I don’t come to your Leaving Party.
The first blow, the one person he loved and trusted, looked up to, gave him advice the good times on video meant nothing, his children would suffer not understanding the stupidity of Grown men. It was done and gone, his one contact in his new world. Go it alone Ron you have your Family behind you your knowledge of the army and the Alcohol.
The years would pass by and the tears would fall many times as the drink hit his Nerve system again and again. They would not speak for 3 years until one Christmas the phone rang. It’s me Brian I have Throat cancer.
Ron trying to adjust to life would Forgive his brother for not being there on his leaving party and gave his Brian support, but Ron was about to visit Hell and Back when his loving Family was told I am leaving you, no chance to rectify, just goodbye. You have the children to deal with there emotions, blame and everything else a break up does.
The Dark Times are in a Box.
My Beautiful Ruth turned up only a few miles away and I will tell of our meeting in anther story.
The Wedding was planned but I wanted my Brother to be my Best Man and the one man I still love to be there on our special day. I tried ringing and then put pen to paper and asked him for Forgiveness for anything I had done to say Sorry if I upset you in anyway. I want you in my life.
No reply or call so I had the Best Day ever without him.
Forgive Him by flesh and blood, yes and always I will.
So there is my Dad who now is 95 years young, walking to the shops a couple of miles from me. Tall with all his hair. No close bond only a occasional sighting of him as he goes into or out of a shop. Why don’t I go to him and hug him, say I love you Dad. If your reading this and your close to your Dad then it maybe hard to understand where I am coming from. But you need to read my early blogs, stories on my childhood to get the true picture of my relationship with my Dad.
So let’s try and forget my Dad in the early years and move forward many years when you are settled and happy. What and why would someone tell you that your Dad did something to your Sister when she was young back when you were a boy and had just left home.
A Sister who I don’t see but know has had a traumatic life on her own with 3 children. Does that Sister think like me.
After all that I write it makes me sad when I want to be like the other person talking about the Dad that made me laugh loved me and moulded me into the man I am today. But I sit here again saying the same thing Can I Forgive him.
If I don’t forgive will he haunt me for the rest of my days, waking up asking myself, I should have forgive him before he dies. Should I have gone to knock on the door and said hi dad?.
I Can’t Find The Answer.