The human body has so many things to contend with, physical and mental. But for me a average man wanting nothing more than a simple life there were times when the simple life was mentally hard. The mind is a powerful machine that can play tricks on you. Thoughts that can ruin you, give you nightmare s, feeling happy or sad.
I was in a constant daily battle for years, no confidence, insecurity, paranoid, jealous, you name it I suffered with it. Not knowing where I came from or what caused it, sometimes in denial that it exists, and living with it. I knew something was not write and wanted to address it but didn’t know how.
What caused it.
I often wonder how these inner Deamonds came to be, a daily battle with emotions of crying and feeling down. Happy the sad. Every so often hitting a high the to crash and burn just like that. It must be powerful to make you change so quickly. That had to be something that triggered it so powerful it changed you as a person.
To have everything then blow it, throw it all away.
Yes I am reverting to that topic of my childhood and drink again because I think that was the cause that led me down a path that I would later in life put an end to. Holding feelings and emotions inside and hiding them from yourself and others for years is a battle in itself, trying to explain to someone is even harder. You have to find the answer yourself.
When you find the answer its sad as you start to think of all the things you ruined along the way. No time to turn the clock back. Life is not a Rehearsal you get one stab at it. Get it wrong and that’s that. Yes we learn from mistakes along the way and if you were normal then you wouldn’t let them happen again. But when normallaty is not the norm and another presence is effecting your inner body then stopping it happening again is hard.
Something I learned by myself was to look at myself and life and ask the question to yourself, are you happy, can I change the way I do things, I ask my wife are you happy can I do anything that will give us a better life, you don’t always have to ask or do it but just by looking inside yourself can give you answers.
We have have a great life, a beautiful wife and family, 2 houses, a new car every 2 years, a static Van in the countryside, retired. But the inner deamon still remained just waiting to strike again like it had done from a teenager. Why is he being funny with me, have I done something to upset you, did I say something to offend them.
There not talking to us anymore, he walked past me and didn’t say hello. Was I ok last night, did I sing or make a fool of myself, did I make everyone laugh. Was I rude to anyone. What time did we get back. Why am I in the single bed. Where is my wallet, phone, keys. Where is my Wife, Girlfriend, Partner.
How could I not see the same behaviour happening for so long that cost me so much in money and love and friends along the way. Was it a barrier to my lack of confidence my courage motivator or just a bad habit I had from 15.
I will Overcome.
Enough was enough and I looked around at my life and what I had, will I loose it all like before, will I end up on my own with my Bottle as Company listening to Sad love songs that reminded me of the past. Smoking in bed needing more when my Cider ran out at 9. Telling lie after lie that I was ok. Needing a drink if we were meeting anyone outside the house, getting really anxious at the though of going to a party, more alcohol needed to leave the house for a birthday at Christmas gathering.
I put the bottle down and made my life changing plan to conquer my inner fears my lack of confidence anxiety, stress you name it i had it, i would dance without a drink, make people laugh without a drink my moods would change. I would sleep better Love and kiss hug and cuddle more. Be alert from when i wake up, drive my car in the morning not scared of being stopped by the police. My diet would be better making my once tender stomach strong again. Not scared of waking up not knowing if i have done something wrong or stupid, lost my driving license. My bank would be healthy. My Daughter would say she could here it in my voice that i didn’t drink anymore, my best mate said he could tell the difference in me.
I started to find I had skills that were hidden, my ability to take a piece of wood and turn it into a bird with great detail. To sing to my songs and make my wife happy in the mornings. My camera skills got better and i studied the bird behaviour instead of just trying to get the image and posting it looking for nice comments. I would help people more, time not a issue, give my children more attention and play with my grandchildren in a stupid way and make them laugh. Go to meals and enjoy them with no anxiety.
I am not saying for one second that happened right away, and I would say it took about 2 years but I did have a Hip that caused me pain sent me into depression and to have 2 small TIA’s. But my life did change my outlook on everything change. I felt Clean inside and out.
People made comments when I was being daft or happy just being my old self the Ron that was, like Has He Been Drinking. Why would they say that to me.
Then there the people asking why are you drinking water, or coke. Why are you not drinking, simple I don’t Won’t To. I don’t need to explain why.
So I sit here now writing this coming to my forth year without a drop. I am finding writing telling people about my experience not only helps but could just help someone else that could be at a point in there life like was .
I made decisions as a teenager and when in the army. I made decisions on leaving the army. The Biggest decision I have ever made for the me my wife family and Chas was to stop Drinking.