I can’t lift my head up, its dark there is a motion of rocking back and forth, I here music I know the song its a favourite.

To much for the man, he couldn’t make it. So he’s leaving the life he’s come to know, he said he’s going back to find, the world he left behind. Not so long ago.

My mate lies next to me he sleeps so I feel my way along what feels like canvas, I see daylight then as I push up there is nothing but green emerald ocean I am in the Caribbean where I don’t know. I sing to the Gladys Knight and the Pip’s.

Policeman and his Gun.

I walk along the sand zig zagging, the Caribbean Rum rolling round in my stomach Palm 🌴 are everywhere the long leaves hang down like πŸŒ‚ open and closing with the soft breeze from the ocean. Dogs walk with me, I imagine a camera crew, I am in a movie one I fantasize about where the boy meets girl and they live Happy ever after.

Holding hands walking on the beach all loved up, The Butterfly πŸ¦‹ is inside giving him feelings of πŸ’˜ is this the one. Camera Action. He shakes his head the path he walks on is warm island sand deep his thin long legs sinking in as he takes one step forward and two steps πŸšΆβ€β™‚οΈ back.

Another night 5000 miles from home all alone again, bottle in hand just a bit left as makes his way to the wooden jetti broken with gaps. Lying down he sips his last drop of Rum another Bottle done. A flicker from his Zippo lighter the Dunlop 🚬 moves to his mouth draws in the smoke and he looks up at the stars blowing the smoke into the warm Caribbean night air

He tries to make sense of it all, it feels ten times worse all his friends left back in Britain, he chose his new life, did he run away from it all to seek happiness or was his path in life chosen. He heres the waves gently coming into shore washing over grains of sand once big shells worn over millions of years my the power of the sea.

He wakes up and makes his way back to the shoreline path full of ants and other night creatures out for a meal, which way is it, the rum plays tricks on him, is it this way or that.

Eyes wide shut daylight again no music playing this time, where can I be, its not the room I get when I come to my desert island. Focusing opposite he sees a coloured man lying down looking back at him, he has shorts on and a Gun in his hand resting against his chest

He swallows when the man says hello I found you lying facedown in the sand outside as I did my last patrol last night, so i carried you in here and put you to bed.

The Burger In Belize.

Head resting on the cafe table its 2 in the morning alcohol made me hungry so to the cafe I came to feed again. Looking through the window a small boy watches my food his lips wet and eyes Sad or is it hunger in his eyes. Those Hungry Eyes ones I know from my childhood being starved of my tea for something so small.

I know how he feels so I get to my feet make my way to the door, hello are you OK lad. The words the Little Boy said will stay with me forever. Yes Sir You Can Beat me up, for a bit of chicken. I cried on the spot come in here boy. I sat him down gave him my meal and got him a coke and listened while he lold me of his life. He didn’t get food at home, so he roamed the streets of Belize City at night waiting for a drunk local or Soldier to throw his meal away. Or go through the Bins looking for something to eat. His Dad was in jail for Murder and his brothers and sisters were taken by the Hurricane that hit the land.

The Trench in January

My eyes won’t keep open my feet are frozen. I go in and out of fast visions of weird things like hallucinations of colours and objects my mind so tired from a week of tests. My aim is to pass the course I have been on for 6 weeks just so I can promoted to the next rank up. Its minus 4 frost covers the ground and I stand feet submerged in freezing water for 4 hours as I stand on guard waiting for the attack, it never comes.

So I sing a song of love another ballad written with love in mind, to a place gone in time. Andy sings to me, This Land is mine, God gave this land to me. From the movie Exodus that my dad took me to see in the Odeon where I sat on his knee, a glimer of love could it be.

Wake up Ron its my turn as I climb out onto the crisp frosty grass.

Blue and White Hammock

The trees support me in Borneo a jungle thick don’t you know. Creepy Crawley they go in the dark below. There everywhere some small some big, eyes that see in the dark, I wake again in another part of the world looking up at the same sky the stars so bright. I can’t sleep the mosquito do bite. Will my bed hold are my knots tight, drift in and out of sleep quick dreams slow dreams, sounds that remind me of a Tarzan film seen on TV as a boy echo through the Jungle.

When will it be light see again to feel safe and secure no bad dreams no more.

The Dam

The Bouncing Bomb hits the water one two three four, the explosion wakes the locals up sleeping in there little houses. Another explosion, then another. What must have been like, I’m in my sleeping bag feet away from the Dam that killed men women and children family pets and livestock. War creating misery again water fills the valley washing a generation away. I here the Lancaster Bomber with the brave RAF lads in their grey blue uniforms, that are only doing what they joined for. My little radio plays German voices of peace not war, I fall asleep once more dreaming of the War

Where Am I.

A familiar feeling as I wake in a living room, in Belfast on an estate. Is it Catholic or Protestant its a room I have never been in before, how did I get here. I here Irish voices talking I Swallow I sit in the armchair where I fell asleep. Will my life end here, I begin to worry and sweat breaks out on my forehead. The door swings open and a pretty redhead girl walks in. Morning to you, cup a tea Ron. Drink this then get back to your Barracks. Thanks Alcohol another fine mess you got me into.

My Cell For The Night.

City vs United, we loose badly so the Cider begins to hit the Liver again and again working hard to extract all the badness getting confused where to put it all. Then the Alcohol hits my Brain confusion again, angry thoughts of why my Team in Blue and White lost kicking a Ball about. I can’t change the atcoume and it won’t effect my life. I see Road signs lit up with Red markings on and they remind me of United so I begin to Vandalise them. A Police Car sits feet away with 2 Bobbies in not seen by my Toxicatid mind. Come on lad you can spend a night in our cell. I Stand in the Dock while the Judge makes an example of me. I end in the Manchester Evening News for the wrong reasons.

Another Cell In Stockport.

I wake up Cold and shivering.fall walls bare with a cold colour. The Keys jangle i here voices again. The door opens and its my Boss I work for the one who trusted me with the keys to the Bakery. Your lucky Ron you have a good Boss he has come to Bail you out. He doesn’t want to press charges. As we drive to work i explain that I took all my mates into the Bakery for a midnight feast. You were so Drunk and hungry from Alcohol.

Bagshot Cell.

I wake up in a room with a steel toilet cold again as my vains are poisoned again by the 😈 drink. Confused I don’t have a clue why I am here, a Detective walks in and explains I Kidnapped a Girl Sunday afternoon you could be Kicked out of the Army and face 14 years in Prison. You drove your car under the influence of drink, you could have killed 2 lads and a girl and yourself if you crashed or killed other people. The Girls Dad is a in CID but she said you were kind and wanted to help her and looked after her, if it wasn’t for her you would be charged. The Army will deal with it. Your a Lucky Lad.

Alcohol and me again.

Lucky to be Alive.

Bed pillow is Red my bed Red to, Blood soaked sheets I wake to a thumping headache I could have laid in my own blood when I jumped off a Wall with Glass cemented into the Top a jagged piece sinking into the back of my skull as I ran away from people I had abused with angry gestures in the Disco, then chased through the streets I only had one way to go. No Hospital for me it will be OK.

Alcohol and Me.

My Health and Me.

I wake up and look at my wife she is my new start in life, given another chance to be happy and loved my children and me both found it hard to understand where are once happy life went wrong. But now I have a chance to make them Proud of there Dad make my wife and her children Proud of me their children. A good man just wanting to show them all how loving and caring I can be. No Alcohol in me I don’t Need you now more, you hurt my mind you hurt people, you caused hurt and sadness poisoned my mind my soul gave me hours of crying when I should have been laughing.

I could write for another week of how Alcohol nearly ruined my life but I think you get the massage. Was I running from my childhood, did I drink to hide my torment, hurt and abuse. Yes I think I did, I think its important to let my feelings be heard coming from my Heart so my children now what my life was like. A man Scared for life memories never leaving me. That’s why when children cry it hurts me so much and why I care so much for anything that needs help, as I never had it.

Will it go I don’t know, does it make me sad, yes but I am a Fighter and I will overcome it in my own way, I just want my family and friends to know the Real Dad Step Dad and Ron.

All I ask in life is that people say he Was a Good Man that is my Goal my only Goal.

There is lots more to come you don’t know yet many more stories.

But thank you for understanding.

Thank you.