Christmas Thoughts.

A man once so proud with a family house and everything he dreamt of. His world spinning smoothly he glided on warm thermal air like a Golden Eagle.

Then one day the Eagle lost all the Thermal Air, his dream was shattered. The family house was empty his beloved Monty passed 12 months earlier. No-one saw it coming the dream was over the world crashed and burned.

His family scattered like an explosion, he built the dream worked hard to bring happiness to his wonderful family. His 🏰 castle once shining in Gold stood Cold and Dark no laughter anymore, thoughts of Suicide filled his mind.

He had experience this before with a love long ago where he tried to take his own life, he could not see the next hour never mind the next day. Low and sad his Tears were never ending, crying when he ran to ease his torture. Crying at work not being able to hold a conversation without crying.

There was no point in trying anymore all he had done was a failure, people on his street would look down on him, he failed and he lives alone now.

Shall I end it, passed back and forth in his dark mind, he had his big bike in the garage he made plans to buy his Brandy and Ride his bike maybe loosing control and not knowing anything about it.

The doctor was new to him not going to see him or need him for 20 years his body perfect for his age, but he wanted help just to trying to sleep, take the hurt away for just one second, but there was no Pill that would bring his family back together.

The counselling didn’t help, he wondered like a Ghost walking the streets at night through the day, the tears soaking the night pavement. Time went so slow but then the best time of year he had always looked forward to approached and things got even worse.

He lost his Job the Money dried up all gone in a few months. How could he do a Christmas on his own. The thought made him more suicidal the Samaratons would listen to many phone calls from him but they only listened there never was an answer to his broken world.

The worst feeling was just going shopping as he looked at all the things he used to buy at Christmas to make it the best, he would fill a basket now not a trolly but he would stop in the Isle, put the basket down and walk out crying the overwhelming feeling of sadness to much to bear.

Walking into his house no Sound of voices his loving voices were just memories everywhere he looked would remind him of the life he once had. He hated going upstairs going past his Daughters old bedroom he had painted so many times to make her happy. He then looked at his Sons Bedroom door with Keep out on it.

The wood floor would be stained where he knelt and prayed everything hour of the day, thinking the Lord would bring him a Miracle. He would have to 3 years for that.

He lost his Brother through this episode he didn’t plan it or want to happen, he loves his Brother today like he always has, but his mind was so torn and twisted he probably did things that upset his Brothers family.

I write this now because I have released the torment of my childhood but I wanted to explain to my children it was

You Daniel and Kerry that stopped me from ending my time on earth.

Sorry for any upset I have caused but it needed to be said, as Christmas approaches and we talk about how its going to be, then take £30 and do the Christmas shop, but remember I did it just for me on my own.

That memory will never leave me as long as I live.

Not many people know the meaning of a Hard Life

Dad,Stepdad,Husband,Grandad, friend.

Written by

I am 63 years old and and since a boy have had an interest in wildlife and in particular birds. I help my Dad with the rearing of young finches and other birds. I had many small birds as pets and as i got older and joined the Military i purchsed my first Camera, and fold out Kodak. Over a 22 year period i enjoyed many countries outside the uk and observed many species of birds. When i left the military in 2000, i bought my first digital camera a Canon 450D with a Tamron 70-300 and started my journey on capturing images of birds and animals. I quickly learned that there was a lot more to getting a good image of a bird, so i started to research the best settings for my camera in order to capture a better image. Over a 12 month period i realised that needed to invest in a better camera and lens and after research bought a Canon 50D and a 100-400 Lens. It was 2013 when i really got to grips with the setup and came across a lovely Short Eared Owl. From that meeting i started to concentrate on Owls as they fasinated me. From Canon to Olympus i recently jumped ship again to Sony. The variety of birds i have captured over a 10 year period is vast and at present i have a wildlife hide in lancashire where most of my images are captured.

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