Woke up this morning early feeling sadness again, my Father thoughts ripping at my heart, I can’t explain how much it hurts. Its painful and I thought it had gone for good, I am so happy and positive at the moment.
I don’t dream of him or think of him but it just comes into my mind. I stand and look at the headstone and speak to him blaming him for how it was to be
I think of him lying there asking for me to come to speak with him for the last time
Yes a few friends will say to themselves why is he writing this again, we spoke about it and he agreed the best thing to do would be put it to bed forever.
I am sorry my mind is thinking this and if I had an answer I would sort it, but I don’t thats why it is here again. Maybe there’s no answer, maybe its my burden to bear the cross I carry.
My Dad led me to my brother Brian my sister Christine and sister Julie. Is it me that lies awake thinking of them with sadness, or do they do the same.
Other than silly little trivial things nothing bad has ever happened between us to cause us not to speak to each other.
I have one thought that may explain everything. I know my childhood shaped me to what I am today, a sensitive man that just needs love and happiness, so was our life mapped by the way my parents kicked us out of our family home one where you should feel safe and loved, but was filled with pain and fear.
Maybe its not playing together as children growing up together that has made us all individually different people all together.
In my mind I see a Box again the lid is open, I see my Fathers face and gently put him inside, I see Brian’s face and put him inside, I see Christine and put her inside, I see my youngest sister Julie face and put her inside.
I close the lid.
Maybe this will have the ending that comes back again and again. Will my telling the story over and over again be me closure.