No one knows my mind, I wish I did, I have conquered many things in my time on earth, things I never thought possible. Strength and determination physical pain and endurance.
I know I can’t beat my mind, it’s the last course there is no pass or fail, no tablet to swallow. I try my hardest it comes so quick without warning. I wish it didn’t but it does and it’s my burden I carry, from where is questionable.
Writing helps me tell the way I feel, people close to me will never know what causes it, if I knew I would tell them. It upsets me when this black cloud appears and covers my once happy body.
From feeling the best I have felt for years I sink into depressing thoughts of why am I here, what is the purpose of us going from day to day with nothing at the end. Then I do it again say the wrong thing it’s like my body gets taken over by another person.
I try to snap out of silly moods, running to another room to sit in silence with no peace, just more negative thoughts.
I ask the same question when it comes, is it punishment for the things I did in my youth, things only I know and can’t tell anyone in case they judge me and take a different perception of me.
It effects me so bad I feel like screaming but nothing comes out, it’s trapped inside like a cancer that doesn’t grow just awakes without warning.
I can’t say sorry for you reading this but if there is one thing I can’t beat it’s this illness that no one understands and can’t make any sense of. Looks like another doctor consultation looming.
Another Pill or a higher dose.
Don’t read my blog if it upsets you, but it is my life I live with I didn’t ask for it.