The Story So Far

I have written about many things in my 2020 life stories, a lot about my childhood and growing up. From a boy to a man upsetting stories I know. Speaking the truth I tell it as it was from my heart. There have been times when I have stopped and asked myself should I put this down in writing.

By telling the world how it was has made me come to understand myself. The words built up over time released from my soul. People have said to me they love my honesty and can relate to me, sence how I feel. I have never written anything that would cause upset intentionally.

The truth is I feel less inner pain and thoughts, by mind better clearer now, gone are the deamons and troubled memories of the past. You can judge someone you don’t know but don’t judge the person who only tells the truth in simple spoken words.

My blog or story telling has given me a new lease of life, no more will I write of the past its over as Roy said. Bring it on the Happy Times ahead the adventures. Great photography with images of wildlife colour and beauty.

I ask my Ruth everyday without fail have I made you laugh today. I don’t ask that anymore as wake up happy and we smile at each other. Then I come in dancing with her morning cup of tea singing, Up on the Roof.

Do my funny walks that were non existent for a few years, sing the house down everymorning. Do not for sake me o my Darling, from High Noon. Play the invisible Alto Sax in the kitchen to Baker Street.

My confidence gone for a while back as I play my Harmonica in front of my Friends Albert and Jackie, something I would not have done once. I wish I express how good I feel the day is not long enough, making things from when I get up to bedtime.

Cramming the day with as much as I can do, looking after Ruth cooking DIY, teaching our Bella new Nursery songs or new words she thrives on. New Toys from wood and plastic for daily Stimulation like a 6 year old child needing the parents devotion to their upbringing.

Thank you for reading my journey so far and understanding the man %99 of you will never meet, all I can say is On And Upwards.

Christmas Thoughts.

A man once so proud with a family house and everything he dreamt of. His world spinning smoothly he glided on warm thermal air like a Golden Eagle.

Then one day the Eagle lost all the Thermal Air, his dream was shattered. The family house was empty his beloved Monty passed 12 months earlier. No-one saw it coming the dream was over the world crashed and burned.

His family scattered like an explosion, he built the dream worked hard to bring happiness to his wonderful family. His 🏰 castle once shining in Gold stood Cold and Dark no laughter anymore, thoughts of Suicide filled his mind.

He had experience this before with a love long ago where he tried to take his own life, he could not see the next hour never mind the next day. Low and sad his Tears were never ending, crying when he ran to ease his torture. Crying at work not being able to hold a conversation without crying.

There was no point in trying anymore all he had done was a failure, people on his street would look down on him, he failed and he lives alone now.

Shall I end it, passed back and forth in his dark mind, he had his big bike in the garage he made plans to buy his Brandy and Ride his bike maybe loosing control and not knowing anything about it.

The doctor was new to him not going to see him or need him for 20 years his body perfect for his age, but he wanted help just to trying to sleep, take the hurt away for just one second, but there was no Pill that would bring his family back together.

The counselling didn’t help, he wondered like a Ghost walking the streets at night through the day, the tears soaking the night pavement. Time went so slow but then the best time of year he had always looked forward to approached and things got even worse.

He lost his Job the Money dried up all gone in a few months. How could he do a Christmas on his own. The thought made him more suicidal the Samaratons would listen to many phone calls from him but they only listened there never was an answer to his broken world.

The worst feeling was just going shopping as he looked at all the things he used to buy at Christmas to make it the best, he would fill a basket now not a trolly but he would stop in the Isle, put the basket down and walk out crying the overwhelming feeling of sadness to much to bear.

Walking into his house no Sound of voices his loving voices were just memories everywhere he looked would remind him of the life he once had. He hated going upstairs going past his Daughters old bedroom he had painted so many times to make her happy. He then looked at his Sons Bedroom door with Keep out on it.

The wood floor would be stained where he knelt and prayed everything hour of the day, thinking the Lord would bring him a Miracle. He would have to 3 years for that.

He lost his Brother through this episode he didn’t plan it or want to happen, he loves his Brother today like he always has, but his mind was so torn and twisted he probably did things that upset his Brothers family.

I write this now because I have released the torment of my childhood but I wanted to explain to my children it was

You Daniel and Kerry that stopped me from ending my time on earth.

Sorry for any upset I have caused but it needed to be said, as Christmas approaches and we talk about how its going to be, then take £30 and do the Christmas shop, but remember I did it just for me on my own.

That memory will never leave me as long as I live.

Not many people know the meaning of a Hard Life

Dad,Stepdad,Husband,Grandad, friend.

Walking Again.

Its was so good to get out today even if I was a little slow taking care of my new Achiles tendon. The Swans have arrived with the Tufted ducks and a few geese but no Coots yet. The comorant was busy as usual catching the fish in the lake.

It was great to watch all the different species and behavior I had not witnessed before. The young gulls were taking leaves from the water and flying up to drop from height. On the beach they do this to break shells, so it was great seeing the practicing this skill.

The Swan is a great bird to observe, with so many different movements from cleaning its feathers to sinking low into the water as it chases the other Swan intruder.

Trees loose the multi coloured leaves as they hang on like a game who is the last one on the 🌳. They look for a place to land like a para coming into land. Some will make it to water and float away, some will fall to be collected by the Grey Squirrel to nestle in a V shape as the winter house.

They will pile up against log piles making a warm fefuge for the Hedgehog, not seen in my garden for 5 years now. It once came out for nuts at 3 and sat quietly with me, the rubber of the on the tyre its final hour.

Its all the signs and sounds of Winter around the Geese calling me we here to be found in a lush green field they rest on the ground. They feed in peace, but eyes scan the flock, its the green figure again creeping like a Fox every step so slow now sound do you know.

The colour Teal is approaching to the mud banks, flying in formation twisting and turning like Red Arrows at the display. They take the warmth of the winter sun on their body’s, patiently waiting for the tide to arrive.

The Green man is here again a voice whispers, he ha a different camera this year, will he get me in flight, to be displayed hopefully not in Black and White.

The Reeds on the estuary are higher then the man, knowledge from his Hard Drive, his wildlife memory Bank telling him that a beautiful white Egret will arrive soon to feed on the mud flats as the tide unsettles small creatures for him to feast on. The Aperture set shutter speed just write it takes flight pure white like a Kite.

Stepping out of the metal motorised vehicle the man moves through the undergrowth, ferns bluebells flowers of all descriptions of many colours. Tall small even attach to the old brick wall. The excitement builds as the heart races once more the animal and bird wait as the Camouflage object appears between the small gap. Eyes trained to lock on to any slitest movement.

Short Eared Owl Canon 50D 100-400mk1

Their eyes meet like to lovers for the first time, slowly the round button is pressed halfway to gain focus then 123 like the burst of his machine gun, breathing, heart rate slowing he lowers the Lens and just looks at the wonder of the beauty before him.

The animals and birds seen through the camera of all makes and models over a long period of time, countries and scenery will always drive him on to encounter another wonderful image and story how the man puts %150 into planning his next mission.

My new Hobby

Needing a new wrist strap for my small Fujifilm camera came across a Paracord strap for 5 quid so I looked at it and said I could make that. Ordering green 4mm 7 Strand 550 paracord I watched a video on how to make a simple bracelet

I am now working with many beautiful colours, beads, silver and wood, making my own designs all manner of paracord gifts for all ages. I think its very important to explain how why and I do something, and the short history behind how the Paracord originated.

My Smock with 2 White Paracord

The White Paracord held the Parachute together it was something you collected if you had time after hitting the Drop Zone. They still hang on my smock from my military parachute jump.

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5am My Feet

The long and winding road leads me, I wish I could measure the distance my legs have taken me since the day I took my first steps. Feet that have had so many different shoes on, socks of all sizes. They never knew where the road would take us, but they took it in their stride.

The most bones in the human body flat only 9 inches long ,no fat surrounding them for warmth just fabric to keep the warm. They do what my brain tells them, I once told them to get me round 3 Marathons climb hills of Snowden ride a Triathlon.

Carry me with 50lb on my back for 30 mile taking all the pressure of the Brecon Beacons hills grass mud water and undulating ground. Walk till I could go no further as my body salts diminished, but they never gave up.

Ran cross country in many countries in snow and ice from the age of 15 to 55 when I decided to look after them a bit more. Took the whole force from a 800 foot jump from a plane as the landed safe once more.

There 64 years old now, still going strong not knowing what my brain will tell them what to do. Dance with my wife in the kitchen, chase my children laughing as they can’t keep up anymore. Walking slowly the are still silent as I stalk the Deer, stopping in an instant.

The feet that stood proud for 22 years on a Day that approaches soon Remembering the Fallen. Helped me to run and catch my children as they began to fall, or climb the tree their stuck in.

The Cold affects them now and I just take them for granted, for the Medals I won standing tall in 83,84,85 Black Box with 1 on First position in the 400 metres Race, first Veteran in a Triathlon, Ribbons of all colours by me and my Feet, Certificates in German this man run 13 miles in 1 hour 15 minutes.

Ran 10 mile in Cyprus in 58 mins, at the age of 38, feet just doing what there told. Day by day they plod on where to next they don’t know. They ran 3 flights of stairs with 50 lb of flour on my shoulder in 1973 to 78 daily.

They soaked many times in Bath salts easing their pain as another achievement was gained, they have no say in it.

The punishment over a very long time came to a head April 18 2020 when I put a small amount of pressure on my right one, Snap it gave in on me after all that time. It took 6 months to just to take my first steps again like a baby begins to walk again, they have to learn all over again.

Feet that took me to the top of the volcano in Mexico 17,000 feet of Snow and Ice with just rope and clothing. Feet that would carry me everyday over 12 weeks of the hardest physical exercise any one can imagine, their everyday when i decide to do another challenge.

They propel me across the second biggest barrier reef in the world in flippers as the waves force me into lethal coral. They never let me down as i climb many 12 feet walls and climb ropes on assault courses in every camp that the military has.

They walk me down the Isle as i sing to You Are The Love Of My Life on the 27 September 2013 waiting they stop me shaking as my Angel appears gliding so I make a gesture to slow down then the Angel comes down to earth again as our feet meet for the rest of our lives.

Another pair of feet that will follow mine as i take her on walks all over the country, walk with mine on beaches as the sun goes down in Goa. Turkey Dominican Republic. Cuddle together next to mine as we go to sleep every night.

I have asked so much of my Plates Of Meat not thinking they maybe tired or just need to rest after 35 miles over rocks and hills the Romans once walked, in 5 hours only to be asked to go back to where we started. They would end up have a surgical blade slice through both Big Toes as blood built up so much, my feet cried out in so much pain release the blood. Just to carry on and finish the 70 mile race in 12 hours over 2 days.

They would be asked to take me home many times in many places coming out of hundreds of Pubs and houses, gardens and get me home up the stairs to bed, not knowing how i got home.

Carry my children on my shoulders for miles, their little feet covered in mud swinging so close there journey has started and they will also walk the road to where the don’t know.

I think of all the people born without them or one, cant move them like me. Feet taken in life after so long or taken in Battle, illness taking them. Car or Bike amputation, Bombs everyday accidents. Power tools breaks, fractures.

Feet that can change gear on a motorcycle at 100 mph, or stop you as your pushbike goes out of control stopping you before an accident.

Feet changing gear as you push the clutch in the brake on, or the pedal to make you go faster. The 9 inch long part of the body that has made so much enjoyment by taking me there. Help me get the Bus when i was late. Caught the lad that hurt my sister, caught the man stealing from our house.

They would stand with me on Sunday at 1100 hours for 22 years in Boots so shiny the Poppy would be seen as a Soldier in the Toe Cap. They would stand still in the position of Attention as The Last Post would play.

Feet that we take for granted they are my life and without them i could not have done all the wonderful things i have achieved in life. They would play football and were taught to control the ball with the Left and Right not many footballers can do/ They could score with both feet, dribble and tackle.

The Feet that would promise our little Jake and Monty my 2 dogs 🐕 my best friends that I would put their Ashes up on Ingleborough where they can see our Van and we can look up everyday and say hello as they look down from Rainbow Bridge.

I finally look down and say Thanks my trusted feet i will look after you now as we travel Our Long And Winding Road

Family Dreams

Dad Brian,Julie and Christine are not part of my life there blood flows from our same mother. Arguments and stupidity have led to Silence no communication. We once played in the same house happy not knowing what the world had in store for us

One by one they left, I left we all started a new life, wife children and grandchildren. Now we all suffer from our stubeness. No contact to love, the Family bond no more. Sitting together as one is gone and won’t return.

I am at peace with myself as I know I have tried to bring us all together, said Sorry so many times can we just put the past behind us. Be adults and be a Man and forgive and forget.

Me dream was all my family were at home when arrived back from a day out, they sat all over my house in every room children I had not seen before husband and wife my Dad and his wife.

They looked at me with disgust and anger hatred they said bad things to me why i don’t know. I don’t think of them anymore for months but then a horrible dream happens.

I am the Man in all this blamed maybe for things but if they said shall we meet next week I would be the first to say Yes.

Or do I wait for the Call or someone to say your Sister or Brother is dead are you going to the Funeral. Anger says No but my Heart will say Yes.

I know I will cry when I stand alone above and on the soil that lies between me and my Sister or Brother and say Why did we have to meet this way finally to say words you can’t hear anymore, why did we act so silly and childish.

Brian Christine Julie I Still Love You. And always will.

My Hands.

Born so small my first touch my first first feeling of warmth, wet sensation heat cold, pain. Feeling my silk blue baby covers, the wood on my cot. my face features, to grip my first toy made of wood.

Touching feeling remembering what not to touch, the old carpet the cat dog. It’s cold nose the tail as it bit my hand feeling it’s teeth. Touching the wet warm red liquid oozing from my skin.

The feeling of my food as it squashed between my fingers, my tongue licks feeling warm. Plastic for the first time the kitchen table with scratches some deep some long, like Brail my small brain recording it’s sensation.

The door handle as I raise for the first time in my legs to open the door, grain I feel in the solid wood door. The old worn carpet as my hands take me up the stairs to my bare bedroom. Touch of the pot water bottle.

My bike handles, the gravel as I fall off my hands hitting first in printed with grey gravel, the first sting if pain as my mum rubs TCP into the cuts neat.

My first ice cream the feeling as it mealts and runs down my palm. The first tree bark grain so old I feel the age and don’t know it will play a big part in my life as I get older.

The old Suitcase as I walk to the railway station the first bench cold to the touch. The army sheets made of thick wool metal spring’s the Rifle Handle, my polish as it circles time after time for 22 years getting a shine to be proud of.

Grass, bullets, helicopter, plane, tank, boat, land rover handles are adding to my touch memory. First palm tree bark, first falcon I touch feathers so soft, baby bird I hold

My Daughter as she sits in the palm of my hand, the hand I walk away with to our wedding music. The Rope as I absail 200 feet up from the Helicopter.

The feelings through my hands have given me so much pleasures, they were soft and small white no marks.

There now bigger with lines all telling a story of my touch history, the are a different colour, a ring sits on my finger.

There touch the buttons I know so well as they know when to get the image, they cut feel for the light switch in the dark, they can assemble a Gun in the Dark. Feelings passed through them over 64 years still operating from the moment I rub my eyes when I wake up to pulling the covers over me as I go to sleep

There learning to Weave coloured 4 mm cord into Beautiful items, they touch the metal if the Harmonica as they hold it just right to play a song.    

There marked now from Knife cuts some deep, they hold wood the Bark I touched all those years ago sits in my palm, different textures, different grain, colours rough and smooth.

They hold the wood for me as I make another Owl, Robin,Wren, Nuthatch, Woodpecker, a Hedgehog or Christmas gift.

The handle of the chisel as it cuts another feather detail my sandpaper smoothing out the wood carver’s cuts. Holding it as it’s finished feeling the love inside a thing of beauty all made by my Hands.

Thank you Hands for giving me so much pleasure not just to me but to other people, your typing this to tell the world of your adventures.

My Hands

Frog Travel

The sticks float by as the little frog lost swept away in the night as the storm hit our peaceful land. All alone the world looks so big, a flat piece of wood a little raft takes hold of the grass bank. Climb aboard little chap and paddle the storm has gone sun shines on your little body.

The bridge looks so big, and huge birds fly above me scared I stop paddling, under the Oak I pass. A leaf falls floating down and covers me, I feel safer now

Sounds are coming from all directions, as I make my journey down the river to where I don’t know. I peep through to see the Merganser with her young diving for food they have all made it from leaving the best weeks ago

The water gets louder as I approach the waterfall gripping in with my sucker feet I ride the white water it’s fun and brings a smile to my face. My leaf got swept away but the river slows into calmer water.

The banks are green trees are smaller, song birds sit and sing as the sun warms their wet feathers. I drift and I see a leaf curled up floating on the other side of the river. Paddling I get close to see a foot like mine, I take hold of the leaf and gaze inside to see my Mum and Dad and my brother asleep.

I climb from my little raft and take place next to them, they feel warm. I feel so tired as my little eyes close. My journey is my dream but I wake to a voice saying your breakfast is ready.

Dad has a Fly for me, eat my Son get your strength we lost you last night in the storm so come tell me of your adventure. Sitting on the mossy rock we speak about my adventures and my return to my family.

Wake up

It’s a new day.

Stretch the old body

Mind racing

The Rain hits the Van roof

Then an Acorn

It’s so loud.

I’m itching to get up and make something.

Another Wood Carving

A Paracord Bracelet,key fob, Zip Pull, Camera Strap, Dog Collar.

Do Something

A walk in the woods

Sit in the Wildlife hide

Sit and listen to music

Play my Harmonica

Sit and talk to Ruth

Teach Bella some new words

Make Bella some new Toys

Read a book about the Robin and Barn Owl, learn their behaviour.

Sit-in peace no sound

Talk more to Ruth

Talk more to Ruth about how lucky we are

A thought 4.10am

Life is hard

Dieing is easy

Life goes on

Many more Tests will come.

It’s life

Not predicted no control.

Be strong

Stay positive

Smile

Love yourself

Your wife

Your family

Your friends

Your pet’s

Life is still worth living for

Find something new to do

You have hands that can do wonderful things

The Human body can overcome anything

You are as good as the next person.

Life is here your in the script it may not be clear, but what will be. Everything happens for a reason.

Human race smothering the Earth, it’s not the last infection animals will pass on.

No rehearsal

It’s happening

Right now

We will rise again and fall

Get up be stronger

I can’t let anymore light in,

I work with what I have now

The light will get brighter

My Thoughts at 3am

Sleep calm my Ruth your goodness fills the room, chest rising beating with me in unity. Shadows fill the room and opening to another adventure story for my blog, we make the most of every day .

Holding hands our age legs walk the winter woodlands leaves covered with frost singing our wedding song as they fold with the footprint left.

Another time another place, a year ended, memories of laughter and joy. Years pass so quick, look my darling a Robin sings for us, a song of love and happiness, and contentment.

The Snowdrops will be hear soon my love, Bluebell’s will cover the woods once more. Sit a while and hold me tight let me tell you how precious you are to me, my Single Red Rose that blooms every second of every day month and year.

A heartbeat away, sleep my darling, another day is dawning.

The River Flows

Water flows freely past me fast from the drop into a pool darker and deeper in colour. The shadow of the rainbow trout swimming free reminds me when I was a boy hanging string and a safety pin over the wall into the river under the bridge. The worm dangling on the end teasing the mouth of the fish. The fish looking up at another boy’s face as the excitement of catching me and taking me home for his tea shows on his inocent face.

The rocks of all colours shapes and sizes stretch for miles, water level so low no rain for weeks the river shape changed again over night. New pools trapping the small fish for the King to feast on. Reflections from the Oak like a mirror image reflected in the water, the Robins red breast and dropped wing, beak open wide as she calls for her mate.

Lens cap removed the old man sits down as he has down many times shuffling his behind to get comfy in his little River retreat. Knees bent he makes his peace asking for nice things to happen, he says thank you for all the wonderful sights he’s has witnessed in his quest for beautiful images to capture and write about.

It’s warm he feels relaxed scanning the river for movement eyes trained to lock onto anything that moves. Yellow breast grey tail so long wagging up and down like a little toy fully charged. Snatching insects it’s reactions needed to collect food for her young brood of 5 waiting with mouths open wide. They hear her coming who will get the feast this time.

Bird songs echo all around like music playing a song written and inspiring from the surrounding beauty. Memories flood his happy mind he listens for the call of his elusive bird only seen a few times in his long interesting life, adventure and sights only he remembers.

The Sycamore leaf floats into the small still pool spinning slowly, a little raft it waits for the flutter of of the Red Admiral to come and take refuge on it. Blue sky above green grass all round peace and quiet no sound. Tree branches reaching out for light.

Rope hangs down stick lying horizontal waiting for the next bottom to sit on and scream as they swing across the water wondering if it will snap or not.

The water flows and I look into the depths and see the River in Belize city a river so different with crocodiles and Anaconda snake, Pelican and Parrots flying above a Caribbean ocean.

Currents so different from the Greta, the river in India I spent hours on looking for Kingfisher, Rivers in Turkey where i saw my first Bitten a shy bird and snakes swimming from shore to shore. I watched as the Common Kingfisher hovered above me before tucking it’s wings back and driving headfirst into to crystal clear water.

Rivers in Northern Ireland angry rivers with sadness in the depths and ripples crying for Peace to flow calm so the boy and Dad can fish again him telling him of how the troubles started. Sitting there without looking over his shoulder at every noise or movement wondering is this my time, will my son see my die for being a certain religion. Witness death so young and haunt him for the rest of his life.

Rivers fast and slow some dull some glow making their way to a lake or the sea the boat will carry me far away from land, my oar in hand making my my way to distance sand some golden some brown, Robinson springs to mind how he was left on an island the song still plays from the old Black and White TV Set buttons to turn on no voice control.

The little River his small boy feet walked in 63 looking for tidlers and cat fish, lifting rocks, scimming stones. His short pants just above the water level careful don’t get them wet Step Mother waits in doors. He wants to learn to swim but can’t, the Army will teach him later in life

Rivers making different sounds like music from different groups or composer’s, rythams and beats some deep so high, river deep mountain high. Fading the water noise is like the end of the 45 as it approaches the centre of the deck ending quiet to hear no more.

Ducks and Ducklings battle to go up stream staying with mum to live the dream, one of swimming with their family to the places mum shows them. Places to hide when the Mink comes. Feeding on the insects and vegetation on the banks green and lush.

The Heron watches the movements of fish underneath the clear water, which one shall I have my kind Beak like spear ready at and second the break the water surface plunge and take the little or big fish for his survival.

Rivers having many different species some big some small all colours and all with the same aim in life to feed swim breed and multiply. Rods and hooks trying to catch them, other fish trying to eat them it must be a hard life what ever species they are.

Many generations have played in the rivers spent many hours in the sunshine swimming on hot summer days. Picnics and Lovers meeting for the first time on the river bank. Stick races, boat races. Water Vole once a common sight very rare now but still found in places on the river.

The Mink released from farms now a common problem taking birds and fish, a pest for the fisherman and wildlife watcher. The Otter swims free in the pools looking for fish, never seen by Blackie an image he craves.

Rivers i have seen all over the globe will run forever have many generations many wild birds, animals. Banks will be washed away roots will hand down the force of the water washing the bank away as the river floods for days of heavy rain. Boats wills move along them, Salmon and Trout will still run and jump the weir making there way up to their spawning grounds.

The river still draws me to its beauty.