Family Dreams

Dad Brian,Julie and Christine are not part of my life there blood flows from our same mother. Arguments and stupidity have led to Silence no communication. We once played in the same house happy not knowing what the world had in store for us

One by one they left, I left we all started a new life, wife children and grandchildren. Now we all suffer from our stubeness. No contact to love, the Family bond no more. Sitting together as one is gone and won’t return.

I am at peace with myself as I know I have tried to bring us all together, said Sorry so many times can we just put the past behind us. Be adults and be a Man and forgive and forget.

Me dream was all my family were at home when arrived back from a day out, they sat all over my house in every room children I had not seen before husband and wife my Dad and his wife.

They looked at me with disgust and anger hatred they said bad things to me why i don’t know. I don’t think of them anymore for months but then a horrible dream happens.

I am the Man in all this blamed maybe for things but if they said shall we meet next week I would be the first to say Yes.

Or do I wait for the Call or someone to say your Sister or Brother is dead are you going to the Funeral. Anger says No but my Heart will say Yes.

I know I will cry when I stand alone above and on the soil that lies between me and my Sister or Brother and say Why did we have to meet this way finally to say words you can’t hear anymore, why did we act so silly and childish.

Brian Christine Julie I Still Love You. And always will.

Frog Travel

The sticks float by as the little frog lost swept away in the night as the storm hit our peaceful land. All alone the world looks so big, a flat piece of wood a little raft takes hold of the grass bank. Climb aboard little chap and paddle the storm has gone sun shines on your little body.

The bridge looks so big, and huge birds fly above me scared I stop paddling, under the Oak I pass. A leaf falls floating down and covers me, I feel safer now

Sounds are coming from all directions, as I make my journey down the river to where I don’t know. I peep through to see the Merganser with her young diving for food they have all made it from leaving the best weeks ago

The water gets louder as I approach the waterfall gripping in with my sucker feet I ride the white water it’s fun and brings a smile to my face. My leaf got swept away but the river slows into calmer water.

The banks are green trees are smaller, song birds sit and sing as the sun warms their wet feathers. I drift and I see a leaf curled up floating on the other side of the river. Paddling I get close to see a foot like mine, I take hold of the leaf and gaze inside to see my Mum and Dad and my brother asleep.

I climb from my little raft and take place next to them, they feel warm. I feel so tired as my little eyes close. My journey is my dream but I wake to a voice saying your breakfast is ready.

Dad has a Fly for me, eat my Son get your strength we lost you last night in the storm so come tell me of your adventure. Sitting on the mossy rock we speak about my adventures and my return to my family.

I like to Give

Why does giving something to someone come naturally but receiving be uncomfortable makes me feel anxious. Why do I feel like this, I would rather have nothing given to me but I want to give gifts and surprises to my family and friends. Don’t want anything in return, its not the same feeling when I give something.

Xmas Birthdays should make me feel happy but their Stressful and I get worse with age. A Hug and a Kiss feels more natural gives me more pleasure than something material.

Am I being ungrateful I don’t want to upset anyone but they don’t understand my mind why I think like this another Childhood Scar ingrained in me as a boy another Burden to carry in my Bag of Mental Feelings.

I just need one thing.

To Be Loved.

To The Hero’s

Not long to do here
My time is nearly done
But the memories of the men who died here live on
They died to give the islander's their Liberty

The fought so the island would be free
They fought a great Victory

The sorrow i feel
Who is it for
The Brave hero that died there
The family at home
Who will see them no no more

The way i feel, i cannot Hide
The sorrow i feel
Who is it for

The True Hero's that gave their lives
In the Battle for the Falklands War.

Christmas Tree Mother and Me.

Come mother sit with me as we did in the old days me sat on your knee.

Hold me so close and laugh with me, come mother sit with me like we did in 1963.

Sing me a song of happiness and glee. Mother sit with me under the big Xmas tree

Tell me a story of father and me, will he be home mother to sit with me, next to our Xmas tree.

Lights are so bright presents for me, your my best present Mother spend it with me

Your not hear anymore mother years spent with you with me. Your never forgotten Mother as I sit now old next to the Xmas tree, with memories of you and me.

Mother xx

The Corner.

What waits for us, is it a long way to the corner or is it near. The corner of life I have turned so many times, the happy corner and sad. Will there be another one, two or three, give me a surprise, or a shock. The corner will be a long one or short, a learning curve. A lesson in life, a meaning.

We approach without knowing when or if it will happen. I once never give it a thought only to turn it all of a sudden and find myself in another situation. One that would better me in life give me another chance, a chance to rectify something.

The corner may not be in sight or in mind but beware it can hit you when you least expect it, when your at your happiest bringing you back down to earth with a bang. It will make you think differently about life be grateful what you have and realise how lucky you are.

One minute your smile turns to grief where did that come from, I didn’t see that coming. Maybe it is planned and someone presses a button to make it happen just to test you and see how respond. Or maybe the corner is just a fact of life wee all have to live with, wait for.

It has changed me in so many ways, the once military man wanting everything in its place in my new home I worked hard at for years to get. Not a spec of dust on the floor. A magazine left on the sofa. One cup left without being washed, no glass for me to drink out of. The towel on the floor, the toilet seat left up, toothpaste left open.

Windows with streaks in, a door left open, cushions not puffed up when you leave your place, shoes left where they were taken off upside down not together. Coats on a rail to many for mine to fit on. Soap left in water, pots left in cold water, slamming my new car door or any car door as I worked hard to get my new car, not using the handle on a door in the house just slamming it to, only to be asked later can you fix the door it won’t shut.

Lights left on, a tap dripping an over tightened tap you can’t turn another job in the making waiting for another repair. Dropping into my lovely Sofa only to brake the frame as my mate did on my hand made sofa on Christmas, only to laugh and say it’s ok.

Then I turned the corner, on my own, 23 years a family sitting in my new house on my own with no speck of dust, no more magazines left on the sofa. Towels in there place, any cup I want any glass to drink out of as I poor my Red Wine. My doors don’t slam anymore there is only me using them. I close my new car door not worried about the passenger door slamming as there’s not one there.

I wake up to a clean house emmaculate all from top to bottom, carpets with not a spec on. Remotes where I left them lined up together like soldiers. A wine bottle my memory of the night before. My door handles closing as I pull down on them thinking no more repairs to be done. My toothpaste is full with the top on. I have a choice of cup or glass to drink out of.

I Didn’t See That Coming.

The corner hit me so hard all my hours spent making our home a loving one having everything just right worrying over nothing, moving the left magazine instead of saying goodbye to my Son leaving for school. Getting into a rage about not having a cup to drink out of, causing a atmosphere through something so trivial. Not knowing when to stop drinking, small things that upset me but to my family didn’t hurt anyone or mean anything.

You could say I caused my Corner but never thought I would make it happen. Yes it was fatal corner one that would change my life forever a corner I could not go back and come around it again and change it, but a corner that would teach me that little things don’t matter, little things that can be replaced, don’t hurt anyone are not that important.

I may turn another corner in life again but I will not be the cause of it and will deal with it with my Ruth by my side, and overcome it.

My Corner.

Military Humour

I kept a diary of my service in the army not anything special just things I found funny. So I thought I would share with you some sayings or just what my mate said on a normal day.

2 Soldiers on a road in the middle of nowhere.

Are your feet hurting mate.

Who’s mine.

2 men in the barrack room.

Can I borrow your Iron mate.

What For.

2 Lads at a military funeral.

The Curtain Closes on the Coffin.

One lad says come on we need to go round the back and collect him.

Waiting for the start of a Half Marathon. My mate turned up.

Are you feeling ok.

Yes had Six Pints and a 12 inch Pizza last night for my supper.

Another Half Marathon.

Done enough training for this mate.

Yes went out last night with Fatty Curly and got Shitfaced.

Forgiveness

Are you like me, getting on in life and thinking is it time to forgive, is it to late to forgive, what will it do for my Soul if I finally make that decision to forgive. Is what happened still fresh in your mind or is it long ago but that bad there is no way you can forgive

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, giving in to a thought that has been with you since we’re a boy. Was it a family member or a friend, how many times can you or should you forgive. Will it make any difference to your life or your mind if you forgive. Will a burden that has haunted you for so long be lifted.

I can’t answer that but I often find my self waking up and asking the same question did what happened all those years ago really make me so bitter and twisted that they is no way I am forgiving that person, it lies so deep in the heart you can’t ever imagine forgiveness entering your mind.

How many different beds have I shed a tear on over the years, kneeling head held in my hands asking for forgiveness for the wrongs I have done the people I have hurt, on purpose and sometimes through now fault of my own. Did he listen to me as I asked again and again, forgive me I promise I won’t do it again.

I think now as I get wiser does the person I am trying to forgive, kneel at night by his or her bed and ask for him to be forgiven for the horrible things they did to someone maybe the person writing this Blog.

The good old phrase Forgive and Forget, heard so many times by me as I ask what do I do. The few people that know me will understand why I write this so let explain.

There were 2 boys one called Brian and one called Ron they never saw eye to eye when they were younger. Brian left home before Ron and made a very good life for himself, a lovely family house, money, latest car, but Ron joined the army. As they grew more apart Ron wrote to his brother and asked could he see him.

Ron turned up and met Brian’s family they had had 2 children that he fell in love with. Over time Ron visited everytime he was on leave. Ron got married and Brian was his Best man. The family’s would then get to together every Christmas for 15 or so years Ron filming everyone New Year was a must all together singing and dancing. The footage now is collecting Dust in a box that hasn’t been opened for 12 years.

Ron left the Army with lots of money and a new built house. The first Xmas was the best they had with Brian’s Family. The dream was to move close to his brother and carry on where they left left off. But 6 months after Xmas Ron retired on 31 July 2000.

Ron planned a great Barbie and asked his brother the manager of of Butchers for a big tray of meat. But what people didn’t know was Ron with the House Retired at 42 £40,000 in the bank, sat in silence as his once world for 22 years was no more. Proud of all his achievements his Outstanding Record, his 2 Medals, and his Red Beret were just memories of a past now gone.

He wasn’t told about adapting to an environment he left all those years ago, the changes that happened as the world moved quickly forward waiting for no one. No guidance fro the MOD who promised the earth to a Soldier who joined in good faith and did his duty for 22 years. You were just a number Ron.

Not one phone call or letter asking how he is doing. He new one thing that the army had taught well and that was to have a good Drink. So Ron found a lot of comfort in Drinking his Brandy and listening to his £3000 latest BOSE music system.

His Family always came first and he was a fantastic husband and father, but he thought he could adapt to the life as the Army taught him adapt to the Situation. What happened next is what you read about and hear about. The silly thing that caused a big fallout.

The Barbie was planned he asked Brian for the meat. On Friday for the Barbie on Sunday. Ron drank Brandy on Friday night. Forgetting that he said he would pick the meat up for the Barbie Sat afternoon. The phone rang words exchanged, you let me down you didn’t pick the meat up. I think it’s best I don’t come to your Leaving Party.

The first blow, the one person he loved and trusted, looked up to, gave him advice the good times on video meant nothing, his children would suffer not understanding the stupidity of Grown men. It was done and gone, his one contact in his new world. Go it alone Ron you have your Family behind you your knowledge of the army and the Alcohol.

The years would pass by and the tears would fall many times as the drink hit his Nerve system again and again. They would not speak for 3 years until one Christmas the phone rang. It’s me Brian I have Throat cancer.

Ron trying to adjust to life would Forgive his brother for not being there on his leaving party and gave his Brian support, but Ron was about to visit Hell and Back when his loving Family was told I am leaving you, no chance to rectify, just goodbye. You have the children to deal with there emotions, blame and everything else a break up does.

The Dark Times are in a Box.

My Beautiful Ruth turned up only a few miles away and I will tell of our meeting in anther story.

The Wedding was planned but I wanted my Brother to be my Best Man and the one man I still love to be there on our special day. I tried ringing and then put pen to paper and asked him for Forgiveness for anything I had done to say Sorry if I upset you in anyway. I want you in my life.

No reply or call so I had the Best Day ever without him.

Forgive Him by flesh and blood, yes and always I will.

So there is my Dad who now is 95 years young, walking to the shops a couple of miles from me. Tall with all his hair. No close bond only a occasional sighting of him as he goes into or out of a shop. Why don’t I go to him and hug him, say I love you Dad. If your reading this and your close to your Dad then it maybe hard to understand where I am coming from. But you need to read my early blogs, stories on my childhood to get the true picture of my relationship with my Dad.

So let’s try and forget my Dad in the early years and move forward many years when you are settled and happy. What and why would someone tell you that your Dad did something to your Sister when she was young back when you were a boy and had just left home.

A Sister who I don’t see but know has had a traumatic life on her own with 3 children. Does that Sister think like me.

After all that I write it makes me sad when I want to be like the other person talking about the Dad that made me laugh loved me and moulded me into the man I am today. But I sit here again saying the same thing Can I Forgive him.

If I don’t forgive will he haunt me for the rest of my days, waking up asking myself, I should have forgive him before he dies. Should I have gone to knock on the door and said hi dad?.

I Can’t Find The Answer.

My walk with Nature

I see tree’s that are green the leaves of gold, bark aged with time roots long like a road. I make my way carefully through the Bluebells as the Roe deer looks back, I stop on the track. Go your Fawn is near, I will wait here while the mist clears.

So time moves by while the buzzard soaring high against the morning sky. Run my brown hare humans beware. The green lush fern leaves blow gently back and forth, the red fox scampers quickly down deep into the gorge.

I rest for a while after climbing the style, and I dream and smile for a short while. My ears hear the sound the Kingfisher is around diving up then down, with fish homewood bound.

The river runs low the Dipper white belly low, fly now dipper your chicks wait don’t you know. I sink slowly back against the bark of a willow tree, peace all around no sound but for the autumn leaves blowing around.

Gazing up the Grey squirrel carrys his nuts that he dug up. There from the Jay who hid them away for a cold winters day. Well hello little Robin I saw you follow me flying from tree to tree. Come sit a rest then go to your best.

I hear the sound of the Geese as the migrate east, only to come back next year here to feast. The fly in formation calling as they make their way to another nation.

Duck family with the chicks swim while picking at bits. There little bodies soft downy and soft, water droplets sitting on their backs.

How beautiful you sing Mr Songthrush, tunes from your heart cheering me up as I walk past not making a sound. Sing high and low its Spring, you let us know.

I sit in my armchair face smiling from the wonderful walk with nature, content with my surroundings and my life.

Legs of Time

I walk slowly now the years have flown by like geese migrating in the first morning frost. Blue skys above me legs walk carefully again taking me on anther journey, to another wonderful wildlife experience. To a stranger walking a dog, over fields and streams they never stop pleasing me.

The streets of London in 91 when I went through the Marathon half way point in a time of 1 hour and 15 mins. Poor legs joined by my trusty knees gave way 3 mile later only to be cared for by the medic, stop here don’t go any further.

The legs got me up and gave me another 10 mile yes there was pain but we finished another challenge my legs and me.

Legs that were called Knots on Cotton, I Have Seen Better Legs Hanging Out Of A Nest I would be told. The legs stung by a Wasp and by nettle’s.

The legs that ran me to the Bakery in 1973 every morning, my legs would run with Ron Hill the British Marathon Runner who ran in the Olympics.

The legs that got me awarded the Best Physical Training recruit award.

They ran walked crawled over rocks in Cyprus, swam me through the Great Barrier Reef in the Caribbean.

Took me 17,000 feet up the highest Volcano in Mexico in 1979. They never let me down the long skinny legs that would Match proud onto the Parade Square in front of Royalty.

Legs in a Smart uniform with brasses polished as the Queen Mother would stop and ask me how I was. Stand next to Her Royal Highness Prince Anne.

My legs my journey through 63 brilliant years, taking me around the globe 37,000 feet they would want to stretch out. Legs that would see no breaks as I jumped at 140 miles an hour from a plane landing at 20 feet a second. The legs taking the full force.

How did my Skinny legs do all this and still propel me when I ask them to.

The legs that would walk 100 kilometres 4 weeks after a hip operation. The legs that would take me to the top of Ingleborough with my Daughter to place my 2 Dogs that I loved to rest in their little Silver Tin with their names engraved on.

Legs that did the slow march as I held the Coffin steady on the way to the church.

Legs that would win me Gold in the 400 metres race, in the 400 metre Hurdles and over the 3,000 metre steeplechase.

Legs taking me high up into the Troodos Mountains in Cyprus, a 70 mile run in 40 degrees done at the age of 38, both big toes sliced with a Scalpel to release blood pressure still to carry one and finish as best Veteran.

Legs that would Swim, bike and run and win the Triathlon up against younger lads.

Legs that would run to the top of Snowdon in 5 hours ,12 mins.

Legs that would walk me on my walk to the pub when I met my Ruth, the ones that would dance with Ruth to our first dance on our wedding day

Legs that would hang from a Gazelle Helicopter 200 feet up as I Abseiled down the rope, above the fields and mountains of Bevaria.

Legs that would teach my some how to play football, and show my daughter how to do Athletics.

Legs that would support me as I put up Owl Boxes, tree lights, house lights, up trees to get my ball back.

The miles every day with Monty my Labrador the miles my legs and his Di together the miles we ran when he was in his prime. The longs walk with Jake and Ruth on the Sea front.

Legs that were pulled out first at Birth. Legs that would take a beating, cuts bruises and scars.

Legs patrolling the Streets of Northern Ireland, The Falklands the jungles of Gautamala, the hills of Scotland drop in by parachute no transport just your legs to carry you and your 50lb Bergan and Rifle.

The legs that walked with my Son and Daughter in the pram and trolly, stood rocking them to sleep.

Legs that stood in the naughty corner at school.

The ones that were standing waiting for his first date, he got Stood up.

Legs that stood up at the Bakery making bread cakes by hand for 6 year

The legs than ran in small silk shorts for 20 years in freezing cold weather, that skeied? All over Austria and Bevaria on Cross Country 🎿.

O my legs have done so much more I could write for another day. We take everything for Granted, I am a lucky Man to have a healthy body and my trusted legs to take me on more journeys in my life.

Yes one day I will look down at them in bed and say that’s your lot thank you for the Thousands of miles you have given me. Time to rest my Old Legs.